So, most of my blog posts are pretty generic and unemotional. Just trying to document what our little family is doing.
But today...
I need an outlet.
And today I'm going to admit, out loud, which I never ever do, that sometimes...
it's
just
not
fair
I never ever EVER want anyone to feel sorry for me so it's easy to put on a happy face, but sometimes I just don't want to.
just
not
fair
I never ever EVER want anyone to feel sorry for me so it's easy to put on a happy face, but sometimes I just don't want to.
Everyday I watch my sweet little girl crawl around on the floor. Five-year old girls don't crawl on the floor.
Everyday I see her struggle to crawl up the stairs.
Everyday I see her wait patiently at the kitchen table waiting for us to get her down while the other girls have long gone.
Everyday I send her to school wondering if she's going to have fun at recess.
Everyday I send her to school and wonder if she's going to have an accident in her diaper (yes, no bowel control quite frankly sucks)
Everyday I wonder if the kids at school are going to see her diaper hidden under the panties I put on her.
Everyday I wonder if the pain in her head is from a normal headache, or if her shunt is failing.
Everyday I wonder if I'm a bad mom for getting impatient with her mental/emotional needs.
Everyday my heart breaks a little when she says, "someday, when I'm like Alexa, I'm going to run a race!"
Everyday my heart breaks a little when she says, "someday, when I'm like Alexa, I'm going to run a race!"
Everyday I strategize how I am going to go shopping with all four girls, because I can't push a shopping cart and wheelchair at the same time.
Everyday I wonder if I give my 7-year old too much responsibility because she helps me push the shopping cart and wheelchair at the same time.
Everyday I look outside and think, "wish I could walk the girls home from school today, but I can't push a stroller, a wheelchair, and carry a walker at the same time."
Everyday I wish with all my heart and soul that she could run around and play with the other kids.
Everday I take pride in the way her sisters crawl on the floor with her when they race, or let her win when she's walking.
Everyday I am thankful for the sweet hugs and kisses she gives me.
Everyday I thank Heavenly Father for trusting me with such a special little angel.
Everyday I am thankful for a loving and sweet husband who never, ever begrudges the struggles we face with this special gift.
Everyday I am thankful for a wise husband who let me see that God has a plan and will still love me even when I feel so angry that my daughter isn't healed. When I can't read the scripture stories about
the lame man who could walk
and the blind man who could see.
Or when I feel bad that no matter how much faith I have that she will be healed that it just won't matter.
Everyday I am thankful for my savior and for the atonement, because
Everyday
my
heart
hurts
