"I made 10 goals!"

 A wonderful young scout in Provo put together a soccer camp for children with special needs with Now I Can. My girls were SO excited to play soccer and had the best time!! They even received little trophies!

I'm just going to say it

So, most of my blog posts are pretty generic and unemotional. Just trying to document what our little family is doing.

But today...

I need an outlet.

And today I'm going to admit, out loud, which I never ever do, that sometimes...

it's
just
not
fair
I never ever EVER want anyone to feel sorry for me so it's easy to put on a happy face, but sometimes I just don't want to.

Everyday I watch my sweet little girl crawl around on the floor. Five-year old girls don't crawl on the floor.

Everyday I see her struggle to crawl up the stairs.

Everyday I see her wait patiently at the kitchen table waiting for us to get her down while the other girls have long gone.

Everyday I send her to school wondering if she's going to have fun at recess.

Everyday I send her to school and wonder if she's going to have an accident in her diaper (yes, no bowel control quite frankly sucks)

Everyday I wonder if the kids at school are going to see her diaper hidden under the panties I put on her.

Everyday I wonder if the pain in her head is from a normal headache, or if her shunt is failing. 

Everyday I wonder if I'm a bad mom for getting impatient with her mental/emotional needs.
Everyday my heart breaks a little when she says, "someday, when I'm like Alexa, I'm going to run a race!"

Everyday I strategize how I am going to go shopping with all four girls, because I can't push a shopping cart and wheelchair at the same time.

Everyday I wonder if I give my 7-year old too much responsibility because she helps me push the shopping cart and wheelchair at the same time.

Everyday I look outside and think, "wish I could walk the girls home from school today, but I can't push a stroller, a wheelchair, and carry a walker at the same time."

Everyday I wish with all my heart and soul that she could run around and play with the other kids.

Everday I take pride in the way her sisters crawl on the floor with her when they race, or let her win when she's walking.

Everyday I am thankful for the sweet hugs and kisses she gives me.

Everyday I thank Heavenly Father for trusting me with such a special little angel.

Everyday I am thankful for a loving and sweet husband who never, ever begrudges the struggles we face with this special gift.

Everyday I am thankful for a wise husband who let me see that God has a plan and will still love me even when I feel so angry that my daughter isn't healed. When I can't read the scripture stories about

the lame man who could walk

and the blind man who could see.

Or when I feel bad that no matter how much faith I have that she will be healed that it just won't matter.

Everyday I am thankful for my savior and for the atonement, because

Everyday

my

heart

hurts

Anyone Feel Like a Run?

Most of you know that Grace participated an intensive physical therapy program through a non-profit organization called Now I Can. She had therapy four hours a day, five days a week, for three weeks in Provo. Wow! Her session was an extremely exhausting and emotional experience for her (and us!) and she developed life-changing skills that have helped her in ways that no other therapy could. Before therapy Grace couldn't take more than three steps in her crutches, and now she walks the hallways at church. Before therapy we believed that the best ambulation she would have would be in crutches, but now we have hope that someday Grace will walk COMPLETELY independently! What we have received from our experience at Now I Can is priceless, and we look forward to her next three-week session in August.

On May 14th Now I Can is hosting its annual Run to Walk in Provo. It's a 5k/1 mile walk or run, and we want to invite you all to join us! Obviously, we will love you whether you participate or not, but we would like to give everyone an opportunity to participate in such a neat event. (We recently participated in the Hydrocephalus Association's annual walk and kept it a secret, then had people say, "why didn't you tell us!?" So, now we're telling EVERYONE!)

Please feel free to forward this information to anyone you think might be interested. This is our first time and we are super excited! Also, please let me know if you decide to register so that I can let Now I Can know who we have recruited (we get $ off her session for each person we recruite).

I've been a super-slacker in getting this info out and the walk prices increase on Friday. Oopsie! So, if you decide you want to do this please register TODAY! (Or tomorrow, I guess. haha!) Complete info on the race is at http://www.runtowalk.com/.

Thank you all for your constant loving support of Grace and her efforts.

PS...Again, please don't feel any obligation...we know its an early morning and not close to home. We will be walking in the Hydrocephalus Walk in August so there will be another opportunity to walk for Grace if you want to! :0)

Here is the link to Grace's video of her last session at Now I Can. Grab your tissue and enjoy! 

Grace's Therapy at Now I Can 

First Birth

Wow, birth is beautiful! A couple weeks ago I had the priviledge of attending a client's birth as her doula. It was an amazing and beautiful experience and I feel so honored to be a part of it! Yay!

Scandalous?

First of all, I know I'm being irreverent by adding this post right now, but I just have too! I'm sitting in the mother's lounge at church feeding my sweet little Sophie baby and I'm thinking, "why do I have to be in here?" What is so wrong with a mother nursing her baby in sacrament? Maybe my feelings on public breastfeeding are a little liberal for our society, but I have no problem with it as long as the mother covers herself. I feel like I would be breaking the tradition of Mormon culture if I dared to nurse my baby in sacrament meeting! Scandalous! So instead I sit in a cold, stinky room feedng my darling and missing the most important part of the week, taking the sacrament. I have dared to nurse her in the foyer when the smell of poopy diapers rotting in a diaper pail all day has been too strong, and I could see the discomfort on the faces of those walking past me. Normally I could care less about people's "comfort" when I nurse my baby in public, but this is church so I guess I could care a little.

PS...(update) I finally did it! I nursed Sophie baby in sacrament a couple weeks ago and it was so liberating! The funny part is that Phillip, who was sitting right next to me, didn't even know for about five minutes. :0)

I did it!!

Six years ago I was due with my second baby, and I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to hold her after she was born. I knew I was going to deliver my baby in a specially designated room for high-risk babies, and that the moment my little angel came into the world she would be whisked away from me and passed through a window into a special little nursery. I knew that I wouldn't be able to hold her for hours and hours, and this was a very difficult reality for me. So I made a decision.

 I knew that I needed some control over this less than desirable situation, so I made a firm decision to deliver this baby girl in the most natural and beautiful way I could imagine...completely unmedicated. I recognized that this was going to be more than difficult, so I hired a doula to support Phillip and me during the labor. She was phenomenal and was a tremendous asset to me in being able to birth Grace in the best way possible, considering the circumstances. When Grace was born I was completely overjoyed and elated, and had never felt so powerful and beautiful in my entire life. Remembering the strength and love I developed during those hours of laboring with her was one of the only things that got me through those next tough days when I had to watch my precious little baby travel to hell and back. 



My doulas and Phillip helping me stay focused during some intense back labor



This was my first glimpse of my new baby. (Notice my beat-up face? I did a header off a porch the week before!)



Five years later I was due to give birth to my fourth daughter and again decided that I wanted to give birth to her my way. And that meant no medication. So I decided to hire a doula again. This time I hired my dear friend and boss, Rebecca Overson. She was amazing! 

Me and Rebecca after Sophie was born

Nearly six years ago I decided that I wanted to someday become a labor doula and give women that same power. I LOVE BIRTH! I love pregnancy, I love labor, and I love birth! I believe that a woman's body is made to give birth. I believe we are meant to do it in the most natural way that her health will allow. (I say this because I think home births are amazing and wonderful and I would have loved to have experienced one, but I have a heart condition which prevented that for me) I strongly believe in unmedicated deliveries with as little medical intervention as possible and a doula can be an integral part of making that happen for a woman. I also believe that every woman needs to make her own, educated decision on the type of labor she wants, and if she chooses to have an epidural then that's ok too. (I did it for two of my deliveries!)

So, nearly six years after making the decision, I have finally done it! This weekend I took an extensive training course and I can now cross "become a labor doula" off my to-do list. I am so excited!!

Sweet, sweet girls

We just had these pictures taken of the girls and I had to share!

Call me "Crazy"...

I've been thinking a lot about ways that my family can live a more "green" and earth-friendly lifestyle, so (hold you breath!) I've decided to resurrect my cloth diapers. (gasp!) When I was pregnant with Alexandra I did hours and hours of research and invested in a great set of cloth diapers. Phillip and I felt that cloth diapering was the best option for our family and I must say, I LOVED IT!! Paper diapers definitely have their advantages: convenience, less bulky, um...that's all I can think of, and I have obviously used them for a lot of years. But, as I've been thinking about the advantages of cloth diapers: fewer diapers being mummifed in our land fills, no chemicals on my sweet baby's bottom, no blow-outs, saves $$, much much better for our environment, etc., I decided that it was time to make the switch. Yes, it's more time-consuming, yes, they can be a bit of a hassle, and can we say "poop-soup" when I wash them? But HOORAY! I feel like I'm doing my part to help conserve this beautiful earth the lord blessed us with.

Now that being said, don't give me a hard time if you see my baby in a paper diaper one of these days. I can't be perfect all the time!!

If your interested in what motivated me to loose my mind and step back a few decades, check out these educational links:
www.mother-ease.com/cloth-diapers/health
www.mother-ease.com/cloth-diapers/environment

PS: I know there are a lot of you out there doing your part to be more "green" (where did that term come from anyway?). I would LOVE to hear any ideas you have that I might be able to incorporate into my family!

Grace's Therapy at Now I Can

I am so excited! This morning I received an e-mail with a video highlighting Grace's therapy at Now I Can. I will never, ever be able to put into words how grateful I am for the opportunity Grace has to be a part of Now I Can. She goes back for another three-week intensive session in June and I can't wait to see how much progress she makes then! In the meantime we'll keep working on her home exercises so she can maintain her strength. Click on the link below to check out how awesome my Gracie is!

Grace's Therapy at Now I Can

Happy Halloween!

Halloween was so fun this year! Despite the rain and cold our girls had a great time trick-or-treating!

Gracie Fairy

A jail bird! Sweet little bumble bee Zoinks! It's Shaggy & Daphne!

Our chunky little pea pod

Dreams Really Do Come True

Grace has started an intensive physical therapy program at a place in Provo called Now I Can and we are SO EXCITED about the progress she has made! The techniques were brought here from Poland and this facility is the only one like it in the United States. I absolutely love her therapists, especially Sergio (maybe it's because he told me today that I look like I'm in my early twenties. Ha!) and feel so encouraged by the progress she has made. Grace has been in phyiscal therapy programs for her entire life and we have never seen her do the things she has been able to do after only a few days here!

We leave for Provo every morning at 7:00 am and get home around 1:00 pm. She spends four hours a day, Monday through Friday, working so hard and I can see her getting stronger and stronger everyday. Her first couple of days she would scream and cry because the treatment "hurt" her. In reality, the PT's are teaching her body how to move properly and aligning her joints and muscles, and since her body had never felt those sensations her brain wasn't sure how to process them. Now she goes each day and is excited to be there, but those first few days were very difficult for all of us. It is very emotional for me to see Grace experience these new things, and to see the progress she is making. My sweet mom comes with us each day to support me and to help me with the girls. What an angel she is. Sergio is completely confident that in time Grace will walk COMPLETELY unassisted. No walker, no crutches. I feel like every dream I've ever had for Grace is slowly coming true, and I can hardly contain myself.

And thanks to another sweet angel in our lives, we haven't had to pay a penny of this treatment. Now I Can is a non-profit organization, but the sessions are still $100 per hour before insurance kicks in, which translates to $6000 for a three-week session like Grace is having. We feel so blessed to be a part of this foundation and for the help we received to allow Grace this opportunity.

Grace using her "cwuntches"


Grace's first steps!!!!!!!! I love this little girl so much. She really, truly is my hero.

What is this?

Adelle picked this up off the floor of my parent's basement and asked Phillip, "what is this?" ACK!! (It's a s-p-i-d-e-r) Ew, it makes my hands sweat and my insides turn just thinking about it. I seriously can't even look at the picture!

Ok...

...so am I the worst mom ever for not blogging about our sweet little Sophie? Seriously, she's almost 3 months old! I guess I've just been too busy loving her and snuggling with her! :0) Sophie Charlotte was born on July 9th weighing 6 lbs. 15 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long. Isn't it amazing how you can love something so tiny so completely? I just love this little girl!

Prenatal Massage

I want to put out there that I am specializing in prenatal massage, and am completing an internship at Salt Lake Prenatal Massage. During my internship a one-hour massage is $45 (a steal!) Check out our website at http://www.slcprenatalmassage.com/

"Go Gracie, Go!!"

Grace and Alexa ran a 5k race at Sugarhouse Park with Aunt Suzie on Saturday. Alexa made a last-minute decision to run it and I was so impressed by her endurance! Suzie pushed Grace in a jogging stroller (what a woman!) then several yards away we got her out of the stroller and let her run across the finish line in her walker. Alexa was so sweet and waited for her, and Grace was absolutely adorable running as fast as she could so she could "win the race". Both the girls got a little medal and Grace kept saying "I won the race! I'm the winner!" I think there were very few dry eyes watching her cross the line (especially mine). Suzie was so sweet and worked her hiney off to make this possible for my girls and I love her so much for that!

Dance recital

Alexandra and Grace had their spring dance recital on the 20th and both did such a great job. Alexa had a solo number, two class numbers, and danced in the grand finale. She is a beautiful dancer and it's so fun to see her talent emerging. Grace danced two numbers with her class and was absolutely adorable! Her teacher is so good about choreographing the dances around her abilities while allowing her to interact with the other girls.

At the end of the program each dancer receives a small trophy, then the teacher awards a great big trophy to the best dancer in each age group. Not just each class, but each age group...and Alexa won it! For the second time in three years, so she was pretty excited.